How to Ease Your Way into Kinky Sex and Weird Fetishes

Sex is always something you can get better at. That’s the great thing about sex, it can be so varied and different from session to session, or person to person. The dynamic can change from day to day, or from relationship to relationship. With so many aspects of sex to consider, it can be daunting to figure out what you want, let alone what your partner might want. So, what happens when you bring in the ‘kink’ factor? Does the mention of weird fetishes make you nervous or excited? Are you getting turned on right now, or does that word make you sweat?

The Porngatherer asked a sex therapist, with a degree in Sexuality studies and a background in sexual dysfunction how to make sex better. And this is what she had to say:

“In my opinion, men are, many times expected to the be the lead and initiator when it comes to conventional sexual relations, and honestly, for many couples I’ve worked with, the reason for strife in their relationships was mainly due to the conventional and predictable behaviors that traditional masculine-feminine roles demanded from couples in bed. This dynamic got boring very quickly for couples, that the spark fizzled out almost as fast as it was first lit. In the UK, for example, it’s been reported that highest number of divorces, almost ten percent, take place in the first two years of marriage.” 

So, how can you make sex exciting again with your partner, and bring the kink factor into the bedroom? That’s a good question, and to make sure that you enjoy your sex life to the fullest and get to try new flavors beyond the ‘vanilla’, We’ve listed some important things you that will need to understand and prepare for, before you start exploring any sexual fetish. Here’s what’s worked for the many couples to re-invigorate and investigate their hidden desires.  

How to Share the Kink

  1. Know what you like and accept that it’s normal

Almost everyone has some kind of fetish or attraction, or secret fantasy when it comes to sex. Men and women may vary in the type or topic, but kinky desires are completely normal. Knowing what you’re attracted to and being confident in your desires is important if you want to lead your partner into something kinky. Every satisfying sex life involves communication and knowing how to explain what you want to your partner, so you both can maximize your orgasmic pleasure. Figure out how your partner can find pleasure in your fetish and then script a scenario in your head that you can play out together. Ask yourself, what would be the most enjoyable introduction to kink for your bedmate.

Normalizing your fetish or fantasy allows you to prep them for the full blown extent of that fetish, and when you can discuss it comfortably, it will be even easier to introduce new twists and turns in your fantasy. You can even work on interpreting you kink together. The key here is to make your fetish theirs and help them embrace it. De-stigmatizing the act and releasing it from society’s sexually-repressive judgment, will give you both the freedom to explore each other’s sexuality without shame. Nothing is more mutually beneficial or freeing than that.

  1. Make your partner feel special

Fetishes and fantasies can actually bring couples together and deepen their relationships. Kink can promote intimacy since you’re sharing something that’s exclusive and not meant for everyone. Instead of objectifying your partner, you make them the center of your fantasy, not just focusing on the act itself. From my experience, when one partner told the other that they wanted to share something special and intimate with them, their partner was more receptive to listening to the idea, not less. You’ll make that person feel sought out and scarce, special and rare, and people love feeling unique. So, when you do decide to ask to share some kinky moments make the request special, and they won’t be able to resist you.

  1. Show how others are enjoying kink

Demonstrate to your partner how widespread your weird fetishes are and remove the stigma or weirdness associated with it. How? Share articles, or magazines, or videos and movies about kink that shows just how pleasurable, fun and normal fetish sex can be. Gently exposing your partner to the fetish culture will de-sensitize them to it and un-sensationalize it, so it becomes more acceptable and accessible. When they see that there are many couples similar to them, who indulge in kink they won’t feel so hesitant.  

Offering social proof, meaning showing your partner what other people are doing, makes kinky sex more acceptable. Talking about positive examples of fetishes that are depicted as mutually pleasurable, will make your partner more open and interested in it. There are so many movies and pop culture references now based in kink and fetish, that with some patience and planning, you’ll not only be able to educate them, but entertain them too.

  1. Encourage your partner to discover their fetish

Every individual is sexuality complex, no sexual act is purely simple nor disconnected from the Ego. By talking about your sexuality you can encourage your partner to do the same, and explore the things that brings them pleasure or might excite them. Our sexual self, or the sexual aspect of our personalities also needs outlet and expression, and these aspects evolve and change as we grow.

To promote more kink in your sex life you have to help them see themselves as a sexually adventurous person in bed, and when they do try something small but divergent, you have to support and praise them. It’s the small but sure steps toward fetish that will get you there, big leaps might be too intimidating and could shut your partner down from further exploration. Don’t scare them off.   

You want your partner to align themselves with your fetish, so they can see themselves in that role. Consistently and positively reinforce them, even on the tiniest of advances, and offer to try something adventurous together, so the fetish is not just about you.

When your partner starts seeing themselves as someone who likes or enjoys kink, they will want to actively engage in fetishes. Positive reinforcement will motivate them to examine their desires and imagine themselves in those sexual situations, so if they can associate themselves with it, they can also do it. And that’s the link that you as a fetishist have to help your partner make, if you want to enjoy kink together, and in the long term. 

  1. Get into kink slowly

Once you’ve spoken about your fetish and feelings extensively, and the topic is normalized between you two, then it’s time to actually try something in bed. Start slow, don’t jump into the deep end and overwhelm your partner. This could scare them off, and they might shut down or close themselves off from the whole idea itself.  

When you take it easy and introduce elements of your fetish slowly, you give your partner time to get comfortable with the idea and feeling of it. When they see how much you are enjoying it, it will encourage them to go a step further next time. Creating a positive experience and atmosphere will in turn create desire for the fetish, and they might even initiate the conversation the next time you get intimate. It’s more likely that smaller requests will get an affirmative answer early on, and then you open the door for more intensive requests later on, which your partner will be more equipped to handle. If you allow them to ease into it the process, then reaching your ultimate fetish fantasy is not too far away.  

Case in Point

A couple I recently counseled were together for a while, and had hit a wall in the bedroom. They had sex often, but it was a lot of the same and the sex had lost its heat and intensity. They were in their late 20s, both physically fit and attractive, and had tried many different sexual positions to the point they even dabbled in tantric sex, but none of it was satisfying enough. It started to affect their relationship to the point where neither wanted to engage in sex anymore, since it felt so impersonal. That’s when they came to me.

When we first spoke, they claimed to be in love, and when asked, they admitted to admiring so many qualities in each other that I was convinced that they truly respected one another. But something was missing. As it turns out, the missing component was true intimacy and honesty. The girlfriend was basically unable to tell her boyfriend about her fantasies of being dominated. She wanted her boyfriend to be more aggressive and dominating in bed, and the more signals she gave as wanting to be a submissive, the more it seemed to him, that she was uninterested in sex, since she was not initiating at all. She was a closet submissive looking for a master-slave BDSM relationship.  

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What is BDSM?

BDSM is a fetish whose acronym stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. It goes hand in hand with domination and submission fantasies, and revolves around the exchange and balance of power in a relationship. The dominant person in the the relation dominates, while the submissive submits and gives in to every one of the dom’s commands. Taking part in this role play usually is one of the only ways a true ‘sub’ or ‘dom’ can reach sexual gratification or climax. This can include being tied up in bondage gear, being restrained and punished, being treated like a sex slave and getting flogged or spanked, or being tortured psychologically when indulging in sado-masochistic impact play.

The main purpose of BDSM is to indulge in and enjoy what can feel like somewhat-dangerous and threatening. So, that’s why people who engage in BDSM have safety words to stop action if it gets unbearable. And it’s also why before you start pre-negotiation of limits is absolutely necessary, and why all newbies should start slow and work their up to the ultimate fantasies.

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After several therapy sessions together, and then a few on her own, the girlfriend aforementioned, finally was able to admit her desires to herself and acknowledge how important it was to be dominated in the bedroom. Without some sort of aspect of this fetish in her sex life, she simply didn’t want to have sex. Kink wasn’t a mere whim or fancy, it was intrinsically integral to her sexual identity and the key to fulfillment in each and every one of her sexual encounters and experiences.

Once the dam broke, she was overflowing with sexual desire for her partner, inspired by the wish to explain the fetish and share everything with him. She wanted to go on this sexual journey of kinky self discovery with him, desires that until then, she was unable to fulfill since a major part of her sexuality was being repressed.

A short while after, with guided sessions, they were able to break down the barriers and rediscover the intimacy that fetish and kink was able to bond them in. She communicated what she wanted sexually, and he listened and was eager to try and help realize her fantasies. Now that they were on the same page, they could explore the fetish together and discover more along the way.

Happily Ever After…

When is comes to sex, honesty really is the best policy. Easing your way into kink and weird fetishes is easier than you think, and you don’t need a therapist, if you do it together. The key is to keep your partner in mind and make them the center of your fetish fantasy, instead of objectifying them. Make them feel special and desired, since no matter the sexual act or accessory, everyone wants to feel desired and wanted. If you can give them that feeling, then you’ll both be on the kinky road to pleasure in no time!